Shortly after I had finished the Guided Gratitude Meditation, I called it a night and went to bed. When I woke up the next day, I felt very off. I was frustrated and felt angry with things. I was struggling to figure out why I felt this way. I knew I was frustrated with myself for gaining a few pounds recently and not eating properly, as well as frustrated with other things in my life. I thought maybe it was the lack of sleep on top of these things.
That afternoon I taught my Yoga class and then shortly after logged into my Meditation Workshop class. In these classes, we were to talk about the meditations we had done and how we felt about it. We could include anything we had felt and note any changes we had made. During this Meditation Workshop, I read my journal entry and talked about how I was feeling that day. Kati quickly jumped in to tell me that she had been feeling soreness between her shoulder blades all day and then reminded me of something very important: a few pounds will not send me back two years, nor is that likely to happen as my lifestyle had completely changed, and with teaching Yoga, it is highly unlikely that I would ever gain that much weight back.
After she said this, I broke. I had a total energy release right there. I realized that I had an underlying fear of going back to where I was almost two years ago, and I was terrified of that! Kati explained that I needed to detach from that old person as two pounds will not set me back two years. I needed to remind myself that I was happy and proud of who I was no matter what size I was. Kati also pointed out that I feel a need to show strength on a deeper level than physical and emotional. She was likely correct with that as I had come so far, I didn't want to show any weakness or signs of sliding backward. When it came to the music playing in my mind, Kati had the intuition to know that this was what I used to distract myself from thoughts. She told me that I should use the music as my anchor into meditation.
After this class, my fellow North American student contacted me to tell me she was there for me and felt how I was feeling one hundred percent. We connected on a deeper level after that class, and she also introduced me to INZO, an electronic dance music DJ who created songs about meditation. I fell in love with his music that day and have had his songs on my Spotify ever since.
I made dinner shortly after this and realized I was absolutely exhausted, so for only the second or third time in my life, I went to bed around 7pm. I was asleep shortly after this and slept very well that night.
Grateful For Kati's Words
I was up early in order to join the next theory class live. When I explained that I had gone to bed really early the night before, Kati was also not surprised at all. I had released a lot of energy the night before and had none left to sustain me. I needed to recoup and rejuvenate. One of the main meditation lessons I got from this class was to remember to cue my students to return to their breath if they began to release anger or other emotions. This was very important for me to keep in mind because this was something that happened to me during meditation and I wanted to be prepared to help my students through this. Other topics covered included patience, acceptance, and allowing things to happen without effort.
After this class, I needed to catch up on the classes from the days before. I decided to do the first Pranayama Workshop. I was okay for the first fifteen minutes of the class, but then my mind really began to wander and my body began to ache. It took me right back to being in Bali and not enjoying the Pranayama mornings, and in fact skipping a few to sleep in. I quickly noticed that I struggled to control my breathing, whether it be from years of putting garbage in my lungs, or an underlying asthma condition from childhood, I just could not do it for long periods of time. I was feeling slightly defeated so I decided to move on to the Mindful Breathing Meditation.
This meditation required us to sit tall in a cross-legged position. I knew this would not be my favourite, but I wanted to see how my body held up in this position after having done the Pranayama class. My journal entry after the Meditation read as this:
“This meditation became more difficult by the end as my feet were falling asleep and the space between my shoulder blades gradually got more and more sore, but I was able to sit with a straight spine for the entire meditation. I was able to bring my awareness back to my breath much faster than ever before. There were a few moments where my mind really wandered and I was no longer even hearing Kati, but I came back to her voice after 10 – 15 seconds. I want my mind to wander less during meditation, no matter the type.”
To be continued....